Thursday, May 29
Friday, May 23
Tuesday, May 20
Perhaps the craziest of the time travel paradoxes was cooked up by Robert Heinlein in his classic short story "All You Zombies."
A baby girl is mysteriously dropped off at an orphanage in Cleveland in 1945. "Jane" grows up lonely and dejected, not knowing who her parents are, until one day in 1963 she is strangely attracted to a drifter. She falls in love with him. But just when things are finally looking up for Jane, a series of disasters strike. First, she becomes pregnant by the drifter, who then disappears. Second, during the complicated delivery, doctors find that Jane has both sets of sex organs, and to save her life, they are forced to surgically convert "her" to a "him." Finally, a mysterious stranger kidnaps her baby from the delivery room.
Reeling from these disasters, rejected by society, scorned by fate, "he" becomes a drunkard and drifter. Not only has Jane lost her parents and her lover, but he has lost his only child as well. Years later, in 1970, he stumbles into a lonely bar, called Pop's Place, and spills out his pathetic story to an elderly bartender. The sympathetic bartender offers the drifter the chance to avenge the stranger who left her pregnant and abandoned, on the condition that he join the "time travelers corps." Both of them enter a time machine, and the bartender drops off the drifter in 1963. The drifter is strangely attracted to a young orphan woman, who subsequently becomes pregnant.
The bartender then goes forward 9 months, kidnaps the baby girl from the hospital, and drops off the baby in an orphanage back in 1945. Then the bartender drops off the thoroughly confused drifter in 1985, to enlist in the time travelers corps. The drifter eventually gets his life together, becomes a respected and elderly member of the time travelers corps, and then disguises himself as a bartender and has his most difficult mission: a date with destiny, meeting a certain drifter at Pop's Place in 1970.
The question is: Who is Jane's mother, father, grandfather, grand mother, son, daughter, granddaughter, and grandson? The girl, the drifter, and the bartender, of course, are all the same person. These paradoxes can made your head spin, especially if you try to untangle Jane's twisted parentage. If we drawJane's family tree, we find that all the branches are curled inward back on themselves, as in a circle. We come to the astonishing conclusion that she is her own mother and father! She is an entire family tree unto herself.
Friday, May 16
Thursday, May 15
Wednesday, May 14
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
Monday, May 12
Columbus Crew player Robbie Roger's birthday was Sunday (he turned 21). He celebrated Saturday night in San Jose where he scored 2 goals in the Crew's 3-2 victory. The Crew are now 6-1 and are top in the league.
Meanwhile Hoss turned 21 on Saturday and got shitfaced at the Little Bar.
Wednesday, May 7
Tuesday, May 6
A Gas Tax Holliday is "the economic equivalent of solving the obesity problem by making Twinkies, ho-hos, and deep-fried mars bars tax deductible"
A Federal Gas Tax Holiday is bunk. Worse than bunk, it's counter productive -- the economic equivalent of solving the obesity problem by making Twinkies, ho-hos, and deep-fried mars bars tax deductible. Some people might call that populism, but pandering is closer to the mark.
Consider the following: The federal government figures that the average American drives 15,000 miles,1 or about two thirds of the way around the circumference of the Earth, every year.2 Put another way that's about 41 miles a day: about a gallon and a half of gas by most sane standards. The federal tax on that gallon and a half is a whopping twenty-seven cents.3
Twenty-seven cents. Try not to spend it all in one place.